New Blog for Michelle

For the past year I have chronicled my life during my mom's battle with terminal breast cancer. I found it to be a great way to share our daily trials and also to keep friends and family updated on her illness. It was so wonderful to post a journal entry and let everyone know how we were doing at the same time without having to make lots of phone calls.

During the past year, I found this to be therapeutic for me in many ways. My last journal entry was a few days ago where I shared the details of my mom's memorial service. My mom died on April 3, 2009 and I was with her for her final breaths. My life changed drastically that day. I no longer have a mom. I am an only child and my dad died on June 7, 2003 of cancer. I have no grandparents and I am a single mom. So my entire family dynamic has changed drastically. My immediate family consists of me and my daughter, Taylor. Thank goodness I have a large awesome extended family and many wonderful and amazing friends to help me through the past year.

Here is the last journal entry where I detailed my mom's funeral which was held on Monday April 6, 2009:

"I made it through the memorial service and was pleased at how wonderful and special everything was. I know my mom would have liked it. Everyone ate lots of Brookshire’s fried chicken, which was her absolute favorite!
I want to thank everyone that came to the funeral to support me and to remember my mom and her life. I was also so excited to see all the donations for the Christopher House on display in the front of the church. I brought it all home and have sorted it out and there is so much of it! I had to sort it pretty quick because Taylor was very interested in it. I explained what it was for and she understood. I then let her pick out three things to keep. She chose a sketch pad, colored pencils and a little jar of Vaseline. Not sure why the Vaseline, but she is really enjoying putting it on her chapped lips.
I cannot wait to take the donations up there to express my gratitude to everyone that made my mom's last 2 weeks peaceful. Some people gave me cash and I am trying to figure out the best way to use it. I called the Christopher House yesterday to see what else was needed, but the girl that handles it was already gone for the day. I will call her today and go from there. I can't wait to go shopping to get the final things for them. I cannot thank everyone enough for making these donations instead of buying flowers. I promise, it is money well spent! I will most likely take the items up there next week or the week after. It will be hard going back and I need a few more days away to prepare myself.

I had a couple people ask me to send them the songs and the poems that I read at the service. I will go ahead and post it here for those of you that didn't get to attend.

For the songs, I chose the most beautiful version of Amazing Grace (in my opinion) by Il Divo, from their album The Promise. In the middle of it, the bagpipes start up and it is one of those songs that moved me.

I also played Let It Be which was originally by the Beatles. I used a version sung by Carol Woods. It is a beautiful song and the words bring comfort to me.

The third song I played was Goodbye's (The Saddest Word) by Celine Dion. It was as if she wrote it for me and my mom. For those of you that know me well, you know I have never called my mom "mom.” I have always called her “Mama.” Here are a few of the words: "Mama, you gave life to me. Turned a baby into a lady. And Mama, All you had to offer was the promise of a lifetime of love. Now I know, there is no other love like a mother's love for her child. And I know, a love so complete, someday must leave...must say goodbye. Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear. Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near. Someday you'll say that word and I will cry. It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye." The very last verse of the song says "Till we meet again...Until then...Goodbye." I felt it was fitting to play it last as a song for closure. It is definitely a very emotional song and it was all I could do to keep myself together at the service.

I read two poems at the service. A few people asked me how I was able to do that without breaking down in tears, and I just said "I sucked it up, just like my mom told me to do!" I really wanted to read them because they meant a lot to me. I would have been upset later if I hadn't done it, so I got on up there and made it happen.
The first poem I read was from me to my mom. This one could not have summed up the last 13 days of her life any better. I think it was a blessing that we got to the Christopher House and I had many days of prayer and tears to come to terms with the fact that she was dying. By the time she did pass away, I was horribly sad but once my crying was over, I was able to feel comfort that she was in a better place and healthy again.

God Saw You Getting Tired
God saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around you,
and whispered, "come to me."
You didn't deserve what you went through,
So He gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best
And when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain
I could not wish you back
To suffer that again.

The second poem I read seemed to me the perfect one from my mom to me and Taylor and to all her friends and family that loved her. One part that really stands out to me is the fact that you must exit life alone. Even though I was there every day for her, I could tell that she was doing a lot of the work internally by herself. This poem gives me comfort that she is okay and in a better place and that she wouldn’t want me to let her death consume the rest of my life (if that makes sense). Another part that I find perfectly fitting is the last part where it tells you to go to friends for comfort and to do good deeds. It is just a perfect poem.

Miss Me - But Let Me Go
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free!
Miss me a little - but not for long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me, but let me go.
For this journey that we all must take
And each must go alone;
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go to the friends we know,
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me, but let me go.

I had someone ask me yesterday what I am going to do now. The truth is…I don’t know. I am sure things will fall in place and work out eventually. I am not going to pressure myself with timelines right now. I am going to focus on being a good mom to Taylor. Last night we ate dinner together at our house for the first time in a year. It felt so strange to not eat at my mom’s house. So there are definitely things that we will have to learn to do again, on our own. Taylor will be able to come home from school and play on her swing-set in our backyard. One thing that I know, we will manage. She was so incredibly sweet last night. We had to clean out the pantry and throw away all the expired food. She totally took care of it while I did dishes. She said she was helping me because she knows that I have had “a lot of hard and sad days lately.” I almost burst into tears it was so sweet.

Last night, right before Taylor fell asleep, she said, “I miss Nanny.” All I could say was, “I know sweetie. I do too.”